5 Ways to Spot an Anti-Vaxxer at a Wine-Tasting

They are all around us. Filled with superior home-sourced scientific knowledge, an ingrained self-righteousness and opinions aimed at belittling those not at their levels of debate and intellect, the anti-vaccination crowd are in our midst. Even here in the world of informative and collegial wine-tastings, those harbouring a vehement aversion to vaccinating against Covid have crept into our circles. Don’t believe me? Look out for the following signs of an anti-vaxxer at your next wine event:

• Earthy Aromas: No, we are not talking aged Pinot Noir’s forest-floor scent nor the life-affirming smell of newly composted vineyard wafting through the tasting-room window. The disregard of medical science in objecting to the Covid vaccination has led to anti-vaxxers questioning the once habitual practicing of personal hygiene, as soap and chemical-laden deodorant can, too, pounce onto and into their bodies, creating corporate-cultivated mayhem. Washing with de-chlorinated water drawn from a mountain stream in Newlands forest and scrubbing the build-up of bodily dirt away with fallen pine-needles might have a cleansing effect on the person of an anti-vaxxer. Unfortunately, said cleansing methods do little to eradicate the presence of a ripe, rancid scent that has by now beset the body of this species. Who nonchalantly join wine-tastings apparently unaware of the cloud of offensive fragrance they bring into the tasting-venue with them.

• Painful Cork-screw: Yup, that’s him or her – the one who cannot bear to look at a wine bottle being opened with a cork-screw. For the sight of that sharp object being driven into the surface of the cork-stopper is just too eerily similar to the thought of a vaccination needle entering the soft flesh of an upper-arm. Thus, when the next bottle has to de-corked via insertion of cork-screw at a wine-tasting, the anti-vaxxer will either at that very moment choose to engage in attention-diverting conversation involving the possibility of Mark Zuckerberg being the love-child of Bill Gates and Hillary Clinton or simply wince, shudder or emit a pained, frustrated sigh.  
• Collecting spittoon samples: The complex network of conspiracy theories among anti-vaxxers should never be under-estimated. There is a deeply entrenched system at work here whereby the vaccine-averse go to extreme lengths to gather information that could possibly assist them in their cause against the New World Order that “Those People” are wishing to establish through the Covid vaccination. It has, thus, been reported that at some professional wine events certain individuals have surreptitiously collected the liquid contents of spittoons. These regurgitated samples of DNA-rich spit and wine are taken by the anti-vaxxer present at the wine event and sent to an undercover laboratory on the outskirts of Observatory in Cape Town. Presuming that most people attending wine-tastings are vaccinated, these second-hand wine samples are analysed by sandal-wearing practitioners of alternative science in an attempt to discover a physiological affliction, infection or ailment in these drops of regurgitated wine. Should such an ailment be discovered in these samples it would, obviously, point to vaccinated people being bearers of life-threatening diseases or physical conditions that are, obviously, the result of the dreaded Covid Vaccination.

• Lack of Social Media Interaction: Noting that a once enthusiastic practitioner of social media, a guy or gal that would set the waves of digital conversation ablaze with thoughtful insights, poised comment and energetic responses, has gone quiet? Yet, there they are, at every wine-tasting, sipping and tapping on the phone without their presence appearing on twitter, facebook or Instagram? That’s a true sign of an anti-vaxxer. For the anti-vaxxer scoffs at the thought of engaging with those gullible sheeples who dance to the hypnotising tune of “Those People” present on media channels owned by “Those People” Zuckerberg & Co. who are the very commanders-in-chief of the scam that is Covid. No, instead of partaking in high-profile social media engagement, the anti-vaxxer prefers to eschew mainstream media, much preferring to be hooked by the insights of Joe Rogan and Tucker Carlson or getting erotically aroused by sourcing pictures of Novac Djokavic or phrases coined by Tim Noakes. So, check that out at the next tasting: if they are there, but also not there, that’s an anti-vax right there. If you know what I mean.
• Show Your Body: Anti-vaxxers not only see themselves as mentally superior to the brainwashed hordes of Covid propaganda swallowers, but of a far greater physical make-up too. Natural, pure and robust bodily health, gained from years of Ashtanga Yoga, cold-water ocean plunges, gluten-free diets and lengthy bouts of tantric sexual liaison  – with other anti-vaxxers, obviously – gives the anti-vax individual a physical presence as robust as his or her superior mental make-up. This explains why certain individuals are now attending wine-tastings showing more flesh than they ever used to in the past. Obviously, this is not a pretty sight as a vast amount of wine-aficionados fall in the 50-plus age-group and no matter how unsullied their bodies, it ain’t always that good to look at. But if you wish to spot and anti-vaxxer at your next wine-tasting, look for the usually conservative mild-aged man who leaves three buttons of his shirt unclasped to show a bony, lightly haired chest. As to the stylishly clad woman who has suddenly started attending wine events in tight denim shorts which highlight those clenched calf-muscles and begins challenging all the men to a bout of arm-wrestling after the third flight of wine, well, it has anti-vaxx written all over. Just remember the mask.

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