The Burger Report

The humble hamburger remains a ubiquitous occurrence on many a diner’s menu, the modern offering tending to vary from luxurious hand-shaped wagyu beef patties held between sourdough buns raised on nurtured mother-yeasts, to bog-standard burgers dished up at commercial fast-food chains. Even flesh-eschewing vegans can apply for a burger fix, chomping on a wannabe patty made from lentils, kale and bird-seed, the innocuous, uninspired taste having them question certain life choices, whilst at least satisfying that primal patty-and-bun lust lurking in most human souls.

In the eternal quest for journalistic enlightenment and the values of culinary integrity, this writer embarked on a voyage to ascertain the burgers on offer, these from readily available commercial fast-food chains.

• Wimpy

No amount of verdant lettuce, scarlet tomato slices or cheese processed to a nuclear yellow can hide the blandness of what should be a hamburger’s starring role, namely the beef patty. The Wimpy burger-patty is deserved of its own trademarked pantone, being a bewilderingly uninspiring shade of wet cement grey, flecked with a crusty, greasy brown hue the colour of baboon ear-wax. In an attempt to elevate the dull appearance with some sensorial clout, the patty is further salted to death, the salt being combined with a mysterious spiciness reminiscent of the contents of an Aromat container that had been opened after going unnoticed since 1987. The horrendous patty is held between a bread-roll which is totally tasteless as it is – understandably – too petrified to soak up any of the beef-patty juices in case it suffers from premature moulding or spontaneous combustion, or both. What saves the day and makes the Wimpy burger edible to the hungry traveller is the bright sweet mustard offered at the table, squirted from a yellow plastic container and quite astonishingly giving the dish some much necessary perking-up to the extent of non-regurgitative consumption.

• McDonald’s Big Mac

You know you shouldn’t but then you do, and despite McDonald’s suffering from its image as a global, imperial fast-food behemoth, and all that talk of the Big Mac having a longer shelf-life than an argumentative world-leader at a Donald Trump press-meeting, it remains a passable burger. The three-layered bun is seeded and fresh, while the two lean patties have a flavour of meaty subtleness, despite their looking like discoloured brake-pads. Of course, the distinctive Big Mac dressing of a gherkin-infused mayonnaise is on hand to infuse any potential flavour debilities with a zesty kick, although the way it does a fine interplay with the patty, offering a feeling of savoury junk-food goodness.

• Steer’s

Over-delivering on the patty, the burger’s meat is coarsely grained and bears an honest meatiness that is sigh-inducing, especially when bitten into at 03.30 a.m. at an all-night Steer’s branch. The bun is warm, attractively soaked in the artery-clogging fatty juices, and the lettuce, tomato and cheese are generously piled atop and beneath the patty, further creating a satisfying harmony. This provides a burger of balance, from the palate-awakening entry to the palate, right down to the saucy, crumbled meat finish. A slight transgression is the sweetness of the barbecue sauce with which the patty is dressed, as less saccharine would, methinks, show the charred meatiness in its fuller glory.

Spur

The cheeseburger is a thing of beauty, primarily due to the flame-grilled patty and the fluffy freshness of the bun which draws in the liquid oozing from the dead cow just perfectly. Cheese is generous, its gum-cloying greasiness combining perfectly with the tasty beef and allowing one to get two different tastes of bovine origin in one generous bite. Cool tomato and crisp lettuce refresh the palate between bites, allowing the Spur cheeseburger to present a long, persistent finish. For maximum pleasure, douse the burger with that faithfully satisfying Spurt barbeque sauce found at the table, the vinegary savouriness of which is truly the topping jewel in this joint’s burger crown. The taste of life, although more than one a week could have the undertaker hymn a different tune.

Burger King

Great care has been taken to season the burger patty to a state where both pure beef and mysterious spicy flavours come to the fore. Although, the patties do tend to be fragile, the tremble of the first bite causing the rest of the burger’s meat centre to fall apart. Besides causing unbalance on the mid-palate, this patty brittleness makes it a terrible burger to eat while driving or working out on the elliptical machine at Virgin Active. Fortunately, the generously sized and firmly textured bun tend to hold things together, while the cheese-slice is warm and deeply flavoured. It might not be king, but mutton dressed as lamb it ain’t either.