5 Signs You are No Wine Snob

You should not be wondering, but just in case you thought you might be one we offer a handy check-list. Five signs that you might actually not be a wine snob.

• Arriving at a dinner-party or social gathering, you plonk down the bottle of wine you brought with you without offering rapturous descriptions of the wine’s provenance, critical acclaim and the tremendous lengths you had to go in order to procure this vinous pangolin. A non-wine snob will simply place the bottle of wine in your host’s welcoming hands with a “there you go, Steve” before looking for the beer bucket and any single women in attendance. This attitude is also appreciated by the host who, while you are chewing the fat with interesting people and partaking in the smoked salmon canapés, is still stuck listening to the wine oracle going on about the soil and aspects of the vineyard which produced the pontificating guest’s lovingly gifted offer.

• Ice is okay. An assured way of causing PTSS (Present Traumatic Stress Syndrome) among wine snobs is to add a cube of ice to a glass of Chardonnay or Riesling. Dropping ice into a red wine is ill-advised as this has been known to result in cardiac arrest and self-inflicted wrist-injuries to afficionados. To the wine snob, adding ice is less about the physical effect on the wine than about the assault on the revered status wine should be seen to have attained in the experts’ opinionated beliefs. By adding ice, you lower the prestigious image of wine to that of commoner drinks such as brandy, whisky and gin, a path trodden by low-lifes incapable of appreciating the offer of Bacchus. How dare you.

• Snap-snap. Should you drink wine without photographing the label next to a stylish expensive-looking glass and posting it on Instagram, twitter or facebook, you are surely just a regular wine-drinker without the least bit of danger of moving into snob-territory. These photos are normally accompanied by informed thoughts such as “probably too young, but what the hell”; “a fair line-up” or “living the life”. #cabernetforever #lovechardonnay #betyoucantaffordthis. Simply drinking wine for enjoyment while delving into interesting conversation about all things life without posting a trophy photo of your bottle of Porseleinberg Syrah or Radio Lazarus Chenin Blanc means you are, unfortunately, just a normal person, one for which winemakers make wine to have a good time with. No chance of snob status…..yet. #gettingthere

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• Eating and drinking. You like all wine and all food, and don’t give a damn about convention which confines certain styles and cultivars to being consumed with specific dishes or food-types. Drinking Chardonnay with a steak and glugging a hearty Pinotage while slurping a plate of oysters might be enjoyable for you. But continue on this path, and wine snobbery will forever evade you. In the world of the wine snob, it is sacrilege to follow your own taste in selecting the kind of wine you’d like to have with your meal. For acceptance into the hallowed world of the wine snob demands that convention be adhered to. White wine with fish and robust reds with beef and lamb. Veer-off from that and your mind is as uncouth as your palate. Yes, I don’t give a fuck either.

• Liking Sauvignon Blanc is not conducive to wine snobbery, so you’ll have to try harder. The wine snob is a species presuming itself to be rare due to the enormous knowledge, tasting-skill and social admiration required to gain acceptance to this tribe. As the world’s most popular white wine, Sauvignon Blanc is too easy to like, a point proved by the hundreds of millions of normal people around the world that like this wine. A fondness for Sauvignon Blanc shows signs of running with the masses and a predilection for the taste of the common man or human, something no wine snob wishes to be associated with.

You know who you are.