Exclusive: Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno talks to us about Wine

In a South African wine journalism exclusive, WineGoggle talks to Bruno, style expert, movie star and wine lover

WineGoggle: Are you a wine-lover?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: An ?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æber wine-lover. I mean, I am a gay Austrian so I have to like and appreciate wine. Only the straight Austrian’s believe that the traditional scheisse we make, such as Gr?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æner Veltliner, can be classed as good wine.

WineGoggle: So where did you learn about wine?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: Where everyone should ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ the school of life. I escaped my Gr?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æne Veltliner-loving, goat-humping fellow Austrians by being exposed to the fashion ramps and studios of Paris, Milan and New York. Besides Milan, these cities have terrific wine cultures.

WineGoggle: What was the problem with Italy? I thought they have an active wine culture?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: A nation with so many straight people, such as Italy, cannot have an active wine culture.

WineGoggle: What was your first memorable wine experience?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: Two fantastic, wonderful moments in my life. The first was when my friend Maximillian showed my his schwanzenstook after soccer practice in junior school. The second was when I had my first sip of Salon Champagne during Paris Fashion Week. Waking up in that hotel-room in the Marais District, the pop of the cork and some strange man topping a crystal glass with champagne…..even though my stinker was very painful, the champagne was wonderful.

WineGoggle: You seem to, a have thing for Champagne. In your new movie you and your lover employ a somewhat original way of pouring Champagne into flutes?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno (laughs): You obviously refer to the bottle of Champagne up-ended in his asenflogen and then poured the other way around. And you believe this, you domkopffen? Get a life, this is a movie. In real life we have the Champagne glass in the asenflogen. What else? By the way, what I love about Austria wine is our Riedl glasses, the gayest wine glasses in the world.

WineGoggle: What is the role of wine in your life, besides celebrating or committing strange acts with bottles of Champagne?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: If you have style ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ like me ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ you gotta know what’s happening in the wine world. The fashion world, it is vacuous, egocentric, greedy and very gay. Just like the wine world.

WineGoggle: So, what wines are fashionable. If we were at a restaurant instead of talking on the telephone, and I asked you to handle the wine-list, what should we be drinking?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: Well, we’re probably going to be doing sushi because I last had carbs the day before Maximillian showed me his schwanzenstook. So we’d have sashimi and kick-off with a Sancerre or a Chablis to stimulate the appetite and to get the stomach juices flowing. (This also makes it easier to throw-up those calories afterwards.) Then I’d say we switch to a Burgundy from south of Beaune, it’s much fruitier. Or Pinot Noir from Oregon. And if you wanna get heavier, a Napa Cabernet Sauvignon or Australian Shiraz would be the way to go.

WineGoggle: No South African wines?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: Yeah, I heard you guys are making some wine, but if the wine is like your fashion, you’re really going to have to convince me. I mean, all those black guys with oversized glasses blowing into those plastic pipes, that’s a real turn on. But what I’ve seen in your magazines and websites and stuff, well, it’s pretty lame. I don’t wanna be nasty, but it’s pretty lame ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ like Lebanon meets New Jersey. So if wine follows fashion, as it should, I’m not putting my kegelsakken on a block that the wine is going to be any good.

WineGoggle: But I sent your publicists some articles on wine, and if I remember, a bottle of Pinotage, South Africa’s national grape?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: Your PR is not bad, but the wine situation is all confusing. Take Pinotage ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ I drank it with some guys in a steam-bath in San Francisco last week ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ and, man, what a gay wine! It is w?+¦???+¦?+¦???+ænderbaar and we sp?+¦???+¦?+¦????ngent all over each other after one glass. Fantastic stuff, the gayest of gay wines I’ve had ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ and that’s saying a lot as I recently went to a tasting of Right Bank Bordeaux. Hah! Right Bank ?+¦-+???+¦-ú?-¦?+¦-ú?+¦+¦ they are as skew as a picnic basket.
But back to you South Africans, despite Pinotage obviously being a gay wine, made by asenklompers, the rest of the industry seems to be so like, uncoolly straight? Not one gay winemaker? I read some stuff, like WineLand Magazine and some website called grape and it is all so manlichfunken. Too butchen for me, Cool Cat. I mean, I see the South African wine industry has a campaign called variety-is-in-our-nature. It sounds gay, but is not gay enough.

WineGoggle: So, we shouldn’t be expecting a visit from Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno?

Br?+¦???+¦?+¦???+æno: Look, I don’t believe in saying never. And if you’ve seen the video-clips on my acts with fire-hoses and fire-extinguishers you’ll know what I mean. But South Africa’s got to pull down its k?+¦???+¦?+¦???+ækkenhosen and show me what it’s got. Send me another couple of cases of Pinotage, and I might change my mind.

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